despite it all. because of it all? i enjoy life. B) yeah baby.

what is this feeling inside me? what is this feeling i can't identify? what is this feeling that makes me want to run away? although running away probably won't help. since the problem is internal. haha. but i want to run away abruptly. without notice. to somewhere far, far away. and never talk to anyone i know again. ever. just. stop all contact. and start a new life. then someday, i'll run into someone from this life. and they'll wonder if it is really me, if it was the girl who ran away for no reason. no reason, no explanation. "what a dumb girl," they'll think, and probably will just dismiss me as someone who looks like me. unless i talk to that person. but i'll have sunglasses on, and might be reading a magazine, distracted. (yeah, reading with sunglasses. why? i'm not sure) and i'll have a nice apartment. sparse, maybe. small. and some days, i'll just sleep for the whole day. without moving. i won't even get up to go to the bathroom or eat. i'll just sleep. sleep and dream, and cry because i didn't realize my life wasn't bad back then. because the feeling will still be with me then, even then. it will be smaller, stuck deeper insider, but still there. when i wake up i won't notice my dried tears or remember the dreams. only when brushing my teeth or hair or washing the dishes or looking at myself in the mirror will i remember glimpses of those dreams of my past life. sometimes i'll break a plate or drop the toothbrush in shock. after a while, those dreams will be confused with my memories, and i'll be left wondering what was real, afterall. some time after that, i'll impulsively dial a number that suddenly sprung up in my mind. ***-****. the only number i ever memorized. ***-****. it will ring. will he pick up? no longer in service. then i'll start to regret it. why did i run? and i'll think back. back to those dreams and realities of youth. lazy, overdramatic. happy? incomplete. imcomplete now.


that's a lie. of course i've memorized more numbers than that.




i won't run away. i'm going to sleep. good night.

so angry and have no one to vent to right now. OH GOD I HATE SO-CALLED FRIENDS WHO TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! WTF, WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS. god she's such a cold-hearted BITCH. doesn't she have a life besides PICKING ON OTHER PEOPLE!?!?! STOP SPREADING THE FUCKING LIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! makes me sooooo mad. ARG ITS SOOO NOT EVEN TRUE!!!!!